Sunday. What was she talking about? Isn’t there a convenience store near by? A supermarket? A kiosk? It was then when a sudden flashback hit me and I remembered how in the good old days we used to hurry up and finish with the groceries on Saturday, because if we missed doing so, there would be nowhere to buy food from. Yes, that’s right. No one in Europe works on Sundays. I mean, even God rested on the seventh day of the week, didn’t He?

I realized that by having lived in Japan this long I have become accustomed to take the word “rest” for granted. I went to Europe to meet my newborn niece and sister after hours of painful delivery, and yet I was feeling almost guilty for taking seven days off. I was told that I could take the time off only if I promised to work hard after my return, and to my surprise, I felt that I was obliged to be obedient, after all – they were giving me time off when no one else was asking for it. Yet, after my stay in Europe I just couldn’t stop thinking about those people I see on the train every morning – sleeping shoulder to shoulder, mouths wide open, every vibe of their bodies begging for just a little bit more snooze time on the train. I see the same scene in the evenings too.

For a long time Japan’s work policy was guided by a single principle – if you work hard and devote all your energy and potentials to your work, you will grow up to become a good and prosperous man. It was the principle during and after the war, where everybody’s hard work was a direct contribution to the building of a wealthy and healthy nation. The country’s prosperity was made possible by every citizen’s hard work – from early in the morning till late in the evening. People complied with the unwritten labor rules with no protest; on the contrary, it was considered a heroic act to give up one’s comfort for the well being of all.

It wasn’t until the late 80s and early 90s, however, when people began to notice that the working class is suffering from physical exhaustion caused by overwork, busy schedules, irregular work shift (often including work on weekends) and lack of mental and physical rest. The new syndrome became known as karoushi – or death caused by excessive physical exhaustion. While the first case of karoushi was way back in the good old days of 1969, such cases did not take the media’s attention until some twenty years later. The reason was that sudden death cases with no previous signs of health related problems started to increase drastically in the late 80s, causing a previously unseen epidemic among Japan’s working class. Among the very first statistics conducted by the Ministry of Labor stated that only between 1988 and 1999 there were approximately 3500 work related deaths, whereas the people who sought professional medical help was doubled. But again, those were just statistics. What was the reality, and what was the real number of over exhausted employees in Japan at the time, was something left to one’s imagination. What was obvious, however, was that day after day new articles and studies began to come out evaluating people’s work schedules and time they took for themselves and their families. Those studies gave horrifying results – fathers hardly ever met their kids as they were leaving the house before the kids woke up, and were coming back after they went to bed; hardly slept; hardly ate; and practically – hardly survived. Yet, work is work, and a man is a man only if he can stand the difficulties, pretend that nothing is wrong, and quietly continue working. While the term karoushi somehow lost its momentum in recent years, it hasn’t disappeared in its concept. It has simply transformed itself into a new threat – utsubyou – or depression. It is a public secret that a great number of Japanese people live on anti depressants, prescribed by personal doctors. The cause? Stress and lack of rest. A regular company employee has three to five days off in summer, four for the winter holidays, and about twenty paid days off for the whole year, whereas in Europe, for example, people have three to four weeks off only in summer, and yes, they gladly take full advantage of it.

Realizing that the problem is not only spreading, but it’s gradually killing its working class, Japan came up with a series of labor regulations, such as limitation of extra working hours, increase of paid vacations, even introduced a ‘flex system’ that allows employees to go to and leave work at their desired time, as long as they spend the regular eight hours a day at work. The problem, however, is that written laws and regulations are not always the best way for dealing with a problem. At the company I work at the moment, a woman is allowed to take a day off every month post or prior to her menstruation. But when the other day my colleague announced that she is taking the day off because of that, the rest of the colleagues looked at her and said “Well, we think you can do something about that, can’t you?” Awkwardly she said she doesn’t feel well and eventually took the day off, but this scene served as an example for the others to avoid using that given right. Same goes for paternal leaves, for example. By law every father is allowed some time off after the baby’s birth, and yet, the reality is that less than a few per cent of the Japanese males take advantage, or even are aware of the existence of the law. I try to explain to myself that it may be related to the traditional belief that the mother should take care of the kids while the father works, but part of me also tells me that, perhaps, there are other reasons for fathers to do so. Perhaps it is the fear caused by a society which believes that taking extra days off makes you irresponsible and lazy…no matter what the reason is.

I agree that it feels good when our needs as customers are satisfied right away; when we can purchase everything from food to stockings and tweezers in the middle of the night; or when our fridge brakes and we can expect the guy to come and repair it on the next day, showing up prepared and on time; or when there’s always a place to buy shampoo from even on Sundays. And yet, I sometimes wish that people just put on the “We’re closed” sign on the door, grab their bags and take the day off just for themselves…even if that would mean that I have to postpone my shopping for the next day.

While still a student at my Japanese high school I did not have a cell phone. I did not think that I would need it since I was living with my family and making friends at school did not seem to be related to it. But again I was wrong.  A classmate once came to me and asked for my cell phone number (and mail address) so she could contact me regarding class matters easily, without having to call my house. When I said that I did not have one, she looked at me awkwardly and said: “But you can’t make friends without a cell phone!” As strange and awful as it sounded, it was perhaps true – the cell phone had become the one and only link between friends, their only tool for communication with each other. Things which could not be said face to face were put in an e-mail, accompanied by a countless number of emoticons revealing the tone of the writer’s emotion. I realized that the cell phone culture in Japan was much deeper than I could expect – it was a way of life: the only way teenagers could lead a “regular” social life – a life with friends, or “best friends” as they often called me… after I bought a cell phone.

Recently, however, cell phones have been pushed aside by a new tool of communication – a social communication network called Mixi, launched in 2004. Mixi is a website that allows its members to connect with friends from elementary school days to present, write open-to-public diaries, view others’, make comments, upload pictures and videos, exchange messages, etc. It can be accessed both via computer and a cell phone. Recently Mixi has been enjoying an enormous popularity proven by the constantly increasing registration of millions of Japanese, as well as an impressive number of foreigners (particularly those living in the country). For Mixi users, logging on means a lot – their acquaintances’ updated information can be checked by a single click, and their own thoughts on any subject can be read by others with the speed of  light. Regular comments on pictures or diary inputs bring people closer than before, and allows them to call each other “friends” even though they were not such before. Mixi has become a very important part of the daily routine for many Japanese of all ages. An internet cafe near my house offering six seats for people who wish to use the internet, is very often crowded with Mixi users, who by sitting in front of the computer can get the best of both worlds – communicating with all their friends, but from a distance; or said in other words – mix with others in a safe way.

It did not take me eight years to understand that my assumption that the Japanese people do not communicate with each other was wrong. In fact, I have come to realize that they communicate with each other much more than we do in Europe. It is just that the way of communication is different. While back in my home country I would knock on my friend’s door, here in Japan I would take out my cell phone, open the mail inbox and press reply.

The first pure pressure came from an acquaintance who shouted out with eyes wide open that if we do not hurry and reserve a place right away we would miss the chance. This short conversation took place early in spring. We had decided on having a winter wedding, sometime around Christmas. As surprised as we were, we thought that she might be right as the end of the year tends to be the busiest time in Japan with the bonenkai season (or the so-called ‘forget-the-year parties’) being in its bloom. On that evening we went back home, sat in front of the computer and began our search for the perfect place to hold our one in the lifetime day. The next weekend we had already scheduled two appointments.

Headache#1. Choosing the place

Naturally, every wedding chapel has its charm and attraction that one finds it difficult not to give up to. The first place we visited was located in the older part of Yokohama, close to the ocean. Both the chapel and the reception hall were fascinating. We were carried away into the world of never ending fairytales in no time. Yet, we were quickly forced to return to reality as the organizer informed us that the actual entrance – yes, the place from which all our guest were to enter from, was shared with the neighboring convenience store. Having a wonderful inside only wasn’t enough and we turned that place down.

The next place was again in Yokohama and again amazing from the inside. There were angels on the ceiling, flowers everywhere, beautiful decoration…and on top of that the place had a very good access. It seemed to be the perfect place for us, but once again, it was not. The transportation means to the wedding reception hall was taxi, and somehow, I just couldn’t figure out why we have to take all the burden to get on at least five-six cars to move on to the next stage of the wedding. We politely said that we will discuss the offer at home and will call them back. Well, they seemed to be too impatient so they were the ones to call on the next day, just to find out that we weren’t interested.

Next – a beautiful open space chapel with a view of the sea in the Hamamatsucho area in downtown Tokyo. This time the wedding planner seemed to be too busy to give us the necessary time – he was constantly checking the time as we were discussing the plans they were offering us. In addition to that, we could clearly see the line of couples waiting after us, all looking tired just as we had already began to be. The planner told us that every day they hold approximately five to six wedding ceremonies, which meant that we would be all lined up waiting for our turn. Nice, I though, if only it was a photo booth. As soon as we left the place we were already assured that we had lost our day.

By that time it was already the end of summer, and both my fiancé and I were beginning to feel the real pressure piling up ahead of us. We just had to hurry up. Choosing the place, we were told, was after all the easiest part of the whole wedding preparation. After having visited more than ten wedding ceremony halls and having seen hundreds online, we finally chose to go with a hotel in Yokohama that had a beautiful chapel on the sixth floor and a wedding reception hall on the fourteenth. Finally we could offer a good access and convenience to our guests. We were also pleased with the hotel atmosphere – it had a traditional zen style garden right in front of the Western chapel. Being representatives of both worlds, we fell for that right away. We also liked the know-it-all wedding planner (Ms. N) we were introduced to.

Headache #2 Budget talks

We were clear with Ms. N from the first – we did not want anything superb, anything too luxurious or out of place, just a regular, modest wedding ceremony followed by a cozy, at home like reception. After listing up all the necessary expenses, Ms. N came up with a total of 800,000 yen. Yes, that is a lot more than the average salary in Japan, and yet it is far less than the other places we went to, as well as what we read online. As the weddings in Japan are quite costly, (especially those held in a traditional Japanese style) couples often turn to bank loans or keep saving for years for their wedding day. Needless to say, parents always provide certain assistance, so that makes it much easier, and yet, it is costly indeed. Depending on the number of guests and type of meal, an average wedding ceremony plus a reception would range between 1 to 3million yen. If you are Uno Kanda (a famous Japanese diva) and have seven wedding ceremonies in several different countries, it can cost you a fortune, but that’s a different topic.

For our wedding we chose just the necessary – tasty meal, a variety of beverages, dress and tuxedo rental, two formal style professional photographs, gifts for the guests, flowers and total decoration. Added to this were music charge, service charge, paper items charge, ceremony charge, and other numerous charges that we could hardly keep track of. The wedding planner kindly explained that the first estimation is hardly the last one, and depending on our preferences the price could go up. We were dedicated to stick up with the first estimation as much as possible and that led to countless disputes between us and Ms. N.

Headache#3. Disputes over Necessary/Unnecessary Items and Performances

Once a couple decides on the place for their wedding their time becomes entirely dedicated on discussions about the flow of the wedding reception. This includes numerous meetings with the wedding planner and talks about when, how and what exactly will be happening on the very day. As to the meal for the day we had decided on a buffet style instead of the traditional French, Italian, Japanese or Chinese cuisine served in small portions one after another. We were mostly concerned with the fact that among our guests there were few who had food allergies, as well as those who ate more (or less) than others, so we thought that if everyone could eat whatever and as much as they desire, everything would be fine. To that Ms. N reacted as if a needle passed through her ears – she almost jumped from her chair making it clear to us that “no Japanese would like that, especially the older ones.” We knew that at Japanese wedding receptions the meal is the most important ‘attraction’ and guests are often picky when it comes to that, and yet we couldn’t find anything wrong with the buffet style. We also knew that Ms. N had her own reasons to protest – after all, the course was 10,000yen/person, while the buffet was 7000. Yet, she had already promised that she would organize our wedding as we wanted it, so she had to give it up.

Next thing on the list – entertainment. Forget about the old fashioned cheek to cheek dances. No one stands up to do something impromptu, we were told. So we had to come up with a minute to minute plan to entertain our guests. The standard was set up – speeches, toasts, video message to our parents, eat, drink and get together time, time for pictures, etc. There were some thirty minutes left to fill up with something. And here came the world’s most weird ideas presented to us in a brochure called ‘Entertainment Ideas.’

Idea#1. We purchase black stockings (each pair a thousand yen) which would be worn from head to toes, over the dresses and suits that our guests had worn already for the day. And, guess what, we could all take pictures together. You mean thirty black stockings in a photo? No thanks.

Idea#2. The bride and the groom to reappear changed into panda and chick costumes. Yes, very funny, but wedding somehow matches with wedding dress and tuxedo more. Tell me if I’m wrong, though.

Idea#3. The groom carries a beer tank on his back and pours beer to everyone until it’s emptied. Wow. But can’t he do that with a bottle as it’s usually done? Seems to me, it would look better…

Idea#4. A Guess-the bride’s-second-dress’-color quiz. Not only that I didn’t have a second dress, but even if I had, what’s the fun?

Wait. I though we were organizing a wedding, not a circus. By then, both of us were completely worn out from all this endless preparation. It was so hard to make them understand that we just did not enjoy such things and wanted something N-O-R-M-A-L. After countless verbal battles we were finally able to explain them that we just wanted the basics – a happy, relaxed time that would become a good memory for all of us. No weird ideas. No unnecessary expenses, no pressure.

It was hardly believable, but the wedding day came in the midst of all that and despite everything, we were assured that it would be a memorable one, just in the way we wanted it. And that’s how it was. As my father walked me down the aisle, I was assured that all we passed through to organize that day, all of it was worth it. And when at the end of the aisle I say my fiancé, looking so tired and yet so happy, I knew that he had built another memory of ours, a memory to be remembered and kept for the day our kids and even grandkids have their own weddings. Both the ceremony and the reception went just fine and our guests seemed to have a relaxed and good time, just as we wanted it to be. On that day everyone smiled and shared a moment of the past with us; a wish they had for us; a friend sang ‘The way you look tonight’ and played the piano; another friend lied about me always sleeping in classes in high school, only because he was too nervous to speak in front of everyone and couldn’t figure out what to say. At the end of the day it was all a good memory. It was our day, as well as a day to express our gratitude for all those who were close to us and helped us through every day of our lives.

So here is my advice to those who are planning on having a wedding in Japan: stick to your standards, know what you want and refuse what you dislike. And remember that what makes a day good is the people you are sharing it with – your guests will be happy if you are, and after all, what is more important on a wedding day that this?!…