10 Tips For Going To A Modern Japanese Wedding

Living in Japan as a foreigner is full of firsts, isn’t it? Your first job, your first expat apartment, your first wedding invite…? Indeed, don’t be surprised if you find a beautiful custom shoutaijou (invitation) to a friend or colleague’s wedding in your mailbox someday. While a modern Japanese wedding has a lot in common with its Western counterpart, there are a few key differences.

So that you don’t completely embarrass yourself or make it awkward for the poor groom or bride who invited you to their special day, here are ten simple tips for going to a modern Japanese wedding.

1. Invitation Etiquette  

Imagine your surprise when a wedding invitation arrives in the mail. 

First, you should look for a slip of paper included in the envelope, the reply slip, which you send back to the bride and groom. On the slip, you will see two options: ご出席 (goshusseki– I will attend) or ご欠席 (gokesseki– I will not attend). Cross out both the “go”/ご (a marker of formality unnecessary when referring to yourself) and whichever does not apply to you. In other words, if you are attending, cross out the “go” of “goshusseki” and “gokesseki” and pop it right into the mail. 

Do you have a plus-one included? If not, or it is unclear, assume you are going alone. Especially if the couple does not know your partner well, it is not expected that they will also be invited. 

As for declining, it is respectful to send a congratulatory card and your monetary gift (see below), although you can send less as they won’t be required to pay for your meal. 

2. Give Money, Not A Blender

You might be expected to gift the bride and groom a blender or a toaster in the West. In Japan, you should always gift money. However, even the act of giving cash has certain taboos you’ll want to avoid. 

Do not give an even amount (e.g., ¥20,000). This comes from the idea that even numbers are easily split, and no one wants to talk about splitting up anything at a wedding. Instead, give odd numbers (e.g., 30,000).

Typically, guests will give an amount depending on their relationship with the bride or groom. ¥30,000 is the average for single friends and colleagues, while bosses might gift ¥50,000 or ¥70,000. Married couples will give ¥50,000. 

The exception sometimes is ¥80,000 because eight is considered a lucky number in Japan and ¥100,000 since, well, who will turn down ¥100,000? Even then, you’ll want to give the total amount in an odd number of bills and avoid multiples of four because four in Japanese (shi) is the same pronunciation as death, as well as nine, which has the same pronunciation (ku) as suffering.

Do not just hand over the money like you’re paying your electric bill at the konbini (convenience store). You’ll need to buy a proper envelope called a shugi-bukuro (祝儀袋) from somewhere such as Tokyu Hands or Loft for your goshugi (ご祝儀) or gift money. The bills should be crisp or brand new. Place the money in the envelope with your name on the small strip of white paper at the front. 

3. What to Wear

For women, a formal-style mid-length non-body-con dress will suffice. Nothing too revealing or short or excessively flashy. It’s also not recommended that you show your shoulders. If your dress does reveal your shoulders, you’ll want to wear something such as a shawl. Other than white, which is also a no-no in Japan, any color is fine unless you’re specifically told otherwise. For shoes, most women will wear closed-toe low heels in a neutral color. 

Men can wear the standard dark (usually black, gray, or navy) with a white or light blue long-sleeved shirt with no pattern. For ties, do not wear a black tie, as that is reserved for funerals and avoid brightly colored or patterned ties. 

4. What Not To Say!

At Japanese weddings, there are culturally specific taboo phrases and words that you should never say out loud. In order to not jinx the marriage, it is said that you should never write or say things in any context at the wedding, that implies that there will be a future rupture between the couple. 

Similarly, it is also recommended to avoid words where the sound is doubled, called kasane kotoba, like in many onomatopoeia. The idea is that this will mean repeated marriages! Here’s what not to say.

5. What To Say! 

When it comes to congratulating the couple, what is a polite and appropriate way to do so?  Read on for some examples. 

6. Japanese vs Western Style Weddings

Japanese weddings can either be wa-shiki (Japanese style) or you-shiki (Western style). 

Many wa-shiki weddings take place in a shrine and follow the Shinto wedding ceremony, with the bride wearing a white kimono and kimono hood. Usually, the ceremony, where the couple is led by a Shinto priest in seeking blessing for the marriage through ancient rituals, is reserved for family and close friends. During this ceremony, the bride and groom (and sometimes their family) participate in the san-san-kudo or sake sharing ritual. They take turns raising to their lips three sake cups of different sizes three times, representing their past and honoring ancestors, their present commitment to each other and their hope for a happy shared future. Another important ritual is the offering of a tamagushi, or sacred Japanese evergreen branch, to the Gods.

Western-style weddings are held in a hotel or chapel with the bride wearing a white dress. These are usually officiated by an actor playing the part of a priest (rather than an ordained minister). Some weddings nowadays combine a mix of these different elements to create the perfect day for the couple. 

Both types of weddings usually involve at least one dress change after the ceremony and before the hiroen (reception). For this occasion, the bride may switch into a traditional colorful kimono or a white or colored ballroom gown.

7. Mealtime Etiquette and Seating 

The hiroen is a lot like a fancy lunch or dinner—an expensive course menu that your goshugi helped pay for. Friends are seated at the front and family at the back. At your assigned seat, you’ll probably find a note from the bride and a glass of champagne. 

But remember, there will probably be a lot of food and alcohol, so don’t overdo it. This means don’t “pregame” before the wedding and don’t get drunk. Try not to drink the champagne until a toast is made. 

8. Understanding The Many Speeches 

While dancing is part of many Western wedding celebrations, it isn’t the case in Japan. You can save your moves for the nijikai (after-party) and get ready to listen to many speeches. 

Japanese weddings include many speeches, both formal, pre-written and sometimes spontaneous. There will be speeches by the bride and groom, the couple’s bosses, family and close friends. Try to follow the flow of people around you, standing up and clapping when others do. Sometimes, the bride and groom will also prepare a slideshow or video of how they met or their relationship. Usually, you will also get the chance to congratulate the couple directly during the hiroen since they walk from table to table to socialize with guests. 

After about two and a half or three hours, the wedding will start to wrap up. As with many things in Japan, weddings begin and end promptly. 

9. Gift Bags/Hikidemono 

Once the wedding is over, guests will receive a gift bag from the bride and groom called a hikidemono. Often containing sweets or other small items like coasters, sometimes there are more substantial presents included as well. The hikidemono is the couple’s way of thanking you for taking the time to celebrate with them. The newlyweds and their parents will be waiting for you at the exit to thank you for coming. 

10. Afterparties and Beyond 

Then comes the real party. The bride and groom and their friends will usually have a nijikai (after-party) and get rowdy. This is a chance for the couple to hang out with a wider circle of friends and celebrate in a more relaxed way. If you’re invited, be prepared to spend more money, as you’ll probably be heading to an expensive izakaya or karaoke joint. 

Finally, at some point in the days after the wedding, remember to send a thank you card for the wedding. While it isn’t traditional, it is polite.

Have you been to a modern Japanese wedding? If so, what was it like? Let us know in the comments!

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• Me Be says:

  November 3, 2024 at 10:55 pm

  I’ve attended numerous weddings, and as a 6’2” Caucasian, I really “stand out,” Pretty much everyone who did not know that the B&G have a foreign friend will talk about me. I have been spontaneously asked to give a speach or sing a song (in my card they requested “My Way” which certainly threw me off). Insofar as people talking about me, it was not of course my intention or hope to become one “highlight” of the reception. But at times I have felt not so much like a token foreigner, but like a show of proof as to how “sophisticated” or “upper echelon” the couple is (I have been invited to , but declined to attend, four or five weddings by people not so close to me simply for the goal of adding a foreign face to the guests l
• maulinator says:

  September 24, 2014 at 1:33 pm

  The nijikai or secondary party after the formal weding reception is usually for friends of the groom and bride only. This is where the newlyweds can finally party with their friends. I would not call teh nijikai more intimate. It is usually more lively and more friends attend that than the reception. The reception itself is more for the sake of parents, bosses and relatives.
• Electra CV says:

  September 24, 2014 at 7:34 am

  Also, there’s no dancing or having any kind of fun (from what I have seen). The whole affair resembles a fancy dinner with a bunch of strangers only you get to walk away with a gift bag (also very weird if you weren’t part of the wedding).
  Still, my favourite part is #1
  “Here’s $300”
  “You brought OLD banknotes? They look like they’ve been folded at least 3 times”
• Alina Rădulescu says:

  September 19, 2014 at 11:55 am

  Also, even if it`s a “black tie” event, no black tie! That should be reserved for funerals. There are also some taboo words, not to be used and if you do offer something (some people do!), you should not choose things in multiples of two (because it can be divided, hence you are wishing them divorce!)
  • maulinator says:

    September 24, 2014 at 1:37 pm

    The even nu,ber thing applies to many things. such as th cash gift. It should not contain an even number of notes. 20,000, 40,000, 60,000 are all even so would not be appropriate for giving. I think there was a rule about necklaces as well. No looping of necklaces twice, or something along those lines.
  • maulinator says:

    September 24, 2014 at 1:30 pm

    Black bow ties are permitted at weddings, but not the regular ties. A lot of Japanese will wear white ties. However black bow tie with a tuxedo, if it is required or reqeusted is totally fine
• Grace Buchele Mineta says:

  September 19, 2014 at 11:05 am

  Great tips 🙂
  I was completely caught off guard the first time I went to a modern wedding in Japan. I ended up also doing a long post on what to wear (dresses, suits, ties, etc) to a wedding in Japan, if you’re a guest:

  http://howibecametexan.com/2014/05/21/what-to-wear-to-a-japanese-wedding/
  • Brian says:

    November 15, 2016 at 8:27 pm

    When I was invited to a Japanese wedding in Kobe I contacted the Japanese embassy here in London, they were so helpful and sent me all the protocol for dress and everything they were marvellous,